yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
