My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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