what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
