even my farts smell like vagina
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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