is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
