I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
