Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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