If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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