Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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