is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
