then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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