Hey man sorry I got all grabby
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
