if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
and you fell through a lawn chair
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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