Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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