You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
