I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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