On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
