Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
