I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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