Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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