She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
