It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize