you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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