You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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