dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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