just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
