My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
