someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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