I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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