I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
