someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
