You don't have asthma, your pregnant
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
