I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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