my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
