i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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