if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Is it because I queefed?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
