how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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