I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
