i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
