I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
