its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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