Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
