i love accidental penises.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
