I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
