I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Sober January is a disaster.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
