We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
