Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
