M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
