if i can run in heels then i can drive
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize