i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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