I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
