Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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