i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
