My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
