Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
