I wish I could punch you in the face.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize