so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
