you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
