When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
