I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize