is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
