U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
