this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I will pee on everything he values.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
