I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
